Archive for Humor

Pies Not Lies

If I could think of a good rhyme for “brownshirt”, I’d suggest it, but until then:

For years, Jewish and pro-Israel groups have been debating how best to combat the [BDS] movement, but according to British activist Simon Cobbs, the answer may be simpler than they might think: “By laughing at them.”

The topic of boycotts is, of course, a serious one – and the BDS Movement itself is no laughing matter, as Cobbs himself well knows. Like many other British Jews, he accuses BDS of stoking anti-Semitic sentiment through its “bullying tactics”, by singling out the Jewish state not just for criticism, but with calls to dismantle it completely.

He points to the links between groups individuals associated with BDS, and anti-Semitic groups spanning the far-left and far-right, including Islamist hate preachers. That atmosphere has spawned violence on many occasions…

So how have they done it?

The key, says Cobbs, is to always stay on the front foot, keep it simple, and avoid falling into the trap of being reactive – and a good dose of Jewish humor.

SFI’s first ever major campaign, for example, was titled “Bagels Against Bigotry,” and simply involved supporters turning up to share bagel sandwiches at the regular SFI rally. “It was so successful we ended up giving three carloads to the local homeless shelter.”

That was soon followed by “They Bring Hate, We Bring Cake,” and the group’s most successful event to date: “They Tell Lies, We Bring Pies,” (“It was the only thing which rhymed with lies!”)

“The best way of attracting people from the Jewish community is not through letters about why you should support Israel, but with food!” he quips.

“The topic is incredibly serious… but the way to combat that is to laugh at them… to ridicule them. Because they really are foolish.

“When you say to them ‘you say you support gay rights and women’s rights but you also support a regime that would outlaw homosexuality and sideline women…’ at that point they go quiet, because they are unable to answer the questions.

“That’s why we stand up to them week after week, because when you scratch the surface and stand up to these bullies and show them for what they are, the truth comes out.”

And, he chuckles with a sense of incredulity, “they do it to themselves… they keep giving me stuff that is video gold!”

If you don’t understand the duck call, SFI has taken to calling the BDS-ers “ducks”, as in if it walks like an antisemite and talks like an antisemite…

All it takes is one candle to illuminate a dark world.

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Hints From Heloise

Ladies, don’t do this:

A 39-year-old Argentinean woman died after attempting to enhance the size of her breasts by injecting them with Vaseline, Medical Daily reported.

The Vaseline had entered Llanzon’s blood stream, causing blood clots that travelled to her lungs. Llanzon experienced a pulmonary embolism – a blockage of an artery in her lung – which resulted in her death.

“In all my medical career, I’ve never seen a case like this. The human body has antibodies to remove bacteria and viruses, but it hasn’t got any mechanisms against this type of product,” Julio Pla Cardenas, chief of surgery at Lucio Molas told La Capital.

And gentlemen, never, ever, EVER do this:

Pla Cardenas said he has noticed an increasing number of people using Vaseline injections as a form of body augmentation, including men who have injected the product in the hopes of enhancing penis size.

Fat lotta good (if you’ll pardon the expression) it’ll do you to have a member engorged with petroleum jelly. How to put this delicately—it’s not consistency we’re looking for.

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Dave Barry on Manliness

I admit it. I love Dave Barry. I don’t know his politics, and I don’t care. What I love most about him is that he has accomplished that rarest of rarities: he has cashed in on being himself.

Square. White. Male. Funny. That combination is enough to get you brought up on a hate crime charge these days, but he’s made it work.

God bless him:

We live in ridiculously convenient times. Think about it: Whenever you need any kind of information, about anything, day or night, no matter where you are, you can just tap your finger on your smartphone and within seconds an answer will appear, as if by magic, on the screen. Granted, this answer will be wrong because it comes from the Internet, which is infested with teenagers, lunatics and Anthony Weiner. But it’s convenient.

Today everything is convenient. You cook your meals by pushing a microwave button. Your car shifts itself, and your GPS tells you where to go. If you go to a men’s public restroom, you don’t even have to flush the urinal! This tedious chore is a thing of the past because the urinal now has a small electronic “eye” connected to the Central Restroom Command Post, located deep underground somewhere near Omaha, Neb., where highly trained workers watch you on high-definition TV screens and make the flush decision for you. (“I say we push the button.” “Wait, not yet!”)

A while back, my daughter asked me to help her with her math homework, which involved doing long division without a calculator. There was a time, somewhere around 1963, when I definitely knew how to do long division; I figured this knowledge was still lying around in my brain somewhere. I mean, I can remember many other things from 1963. That was the year when the Beach Boys came out with their album Surfer Girl, and I can recall every word from every track on it, including an obscure and genuinely idiotic song called “Our Car Club,” which contains, among other lyrics, these:

We’ll get the roughest and the toughest initiation we can find
And if you want to try to get in we’ll really put you through the grind
‘Cause THIS club’s the VERY BEST!

I haven’t heard “Car Club” for decades, but I typed those lyrics without looking them up. My brain stashed them away in a safe place, in case I would need them someday in a lyrics-related emergency.

My brain did not, however, elect to save the instructions for doing long division. So when I tried to help my daughter, I was useless. I had a vague recollection that you start by dividing the littler number (or maybe just part of the littler number) into just the first part of the bigger number, then you multiply something and then you put the result down below. But I wasn’t sure where down below, exactly, you put the result, and I had no idea what you did with it after that. ‘Cause THIS club’s the VERY BEST!

I tried for several painful minutes to show my daughter how to do long division, at which point she gently told me I should go back to watching “Storage Wars” and she would figure out long division on her own. And she did. I don’t know where she got the information. Probably from the Internet. Possibly even from Anthony Weiner.

See? Where’s the effort in that? And I mean that as the highest compliment I can offer. He even quoted a forgettable Beach Boys song without effort. All he has to do is remain open and aware of the world around him, and collect the particular insanities of the day that amuse him: instant column.

I don’t read him often anymore, but he hasn’t lost his touch. Which is why I don’t read him often anymore. He has totally monetized being Dave Barry. The bastard!

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Working 1 to 5

Thank you, Remy!

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Hilarious

BTL is not advertising a course here. We just want you to feel better on a very cold morning. – Aggie

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Deaf and Dumb

It’s an old joke, to be sure, but it never gets old:

The sign language interpreter used at Tuesday’s memorial service for Nelson Mandela was being called a “fake,” news reports said.

Australia’s The Age reported:

“As Mr Mandela’s funeral was streamed live around the world, Wilma Newhoudt-Druchen, the first deaf woman to be elected to the South African Parliament tweeted: ‘ANC-linked interpreter on the stage with dep president of ANC is signing rubbish. He cannot sign. Please get him off.’ ”

The AP said it was told by the national director of the Deaf Federation of South Africa that the signs used by the unnamed interpreter, who shared the stage with several heads of state and whose signs were broadcast around the globe, were “fake.”

Leave him alone. He wasn’t the only fake up there.

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Ah, The Baby Boomers!

So self-involved

We are the generation that changed everything. Of all the eras and epochs of Americans, ours is the one that made the biggest impression—on ourselves. That’s an important accomplishment, because we’re the generation that created the self, made the firmament of the self, divided the light of the self from the darkness of the self, and said, “Let there be self.” If you were born between 1946 and 1964, you may have noticed this yourself.

That’s not to say we’re a selfish generation. Selfish means “too concerned with the self,” and we’re not. Self isn’t something we’re just, you know, concerned with. We are self.

Before us, self was without form and void, like our parents in their dumpy clothes and vague ideas. Then we came along. Now the personal is the political. The personal is the socioeconomic. The personal is the religious and the secular, science and the arts. The personal is everything that creepeth upon the earth after his (and, let us hasten to add, her) kind. If the baby boom has done one thing, it’s to beget a personal universe. (Our apologies for anyone who personally happens to be a jerk.)

P.J. O’Rourke at the link. Read it; it’s fun.

- Aggie

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Thanksgiving

I give thanks for my family, my friends, my relatively comfortable life, and Sacha Baron Cohen:

Part Two:

I LOVE THAT MAN!!!

(And thanks for Salma Hayek, naturally!)

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Butthead of Jokes

In case you haven’t noticed, Jay Leno has been (inflammatory language alert!) killing President Obama lately, with a resultant huge boost in ratings. Very few make it to YouTube, but there are other ways.

Enjoy!

More at NewsBusters if you search under Leno.

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First Dope

Oh dear, POTUS has “acted stupidly”… again:

After President Barack Obama hilariously mixed up their names last week, there were hopes that George Osborne and U.S. soul star Jeffrey Osborne might have formed a lasting friendship.

However, things aren’t going too well, according to Britain’s Chancellor, who revealed today that he has been approached by the other Osborne to sing in a duet and play golf – but he can’t do either.

It comes after President Obama repeatedly referred to George Osborne as ‘Jeffrey’ – known in the UK for little more than a one-off hit in the 1980s – during G8 meetings in Northern Ireland last week.

The Chancellor told BBC One today: ‘He’s asked me for a duet, and sadly I can’t sing. He’s now asked me for a game of golf, but I can’t play golf. So it’s not going very well, this new friendship.’

He added, speaking to The Andrew Marr Show: ‘It’s nice to be on first-name terms with the President of the United States – even if he sometimes gets the name wrong.’

Ha! That’s Leno-worthy!

Speaking of…

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Wanna Kitten?

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Is This Funny?

pope
(I hope this is funny and not offensive).

- Aggie

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