Bloodthirsty Liberal

It’s not even truth—and they’re not even mewling:

he Daily Caller has obtained a scrapped sketch critical of President Barack Obama that was intended for airing at the opening of last night’s “Saturday Night Live” on NBC.

In the skit, President Obama addresses Americans soon after the first anniversary of the killing of Osama bin Laden — and he makes sure to remind viewers that all credit for the raid on the terrorist leader’s compound belongs to him.

“I hope you had a safe and joyous first anniversary of his killing,” the president, portrayed by Fred Armisen, begins.

“Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be at home this year, as I had to fly to Afghanistan, to remind President Karzai that, exactly one year ago, we killed Osama bin Laden, and that the decision to do so was a gutsy one,” the president continues. “And was mine.”

The skit is hardly edgy. In fact, it was expected. After all, remember?

So why, dear readers, did SNL puss out?

Instead of the skit, NBC opted instead to air a parody of Fox News Channel’s “Fox and Friends.” That skit, which also featured Armisen, mocked Fox News personalities by portraying them as clueless partisans.

They had the right guy, they had the right skit—they just didn’t have the nuts. Useless idiots.

Sorry BTL… my bad.

Ohh, this one’s good too:

And this might be the best:

Ok, I’ll stop now.

- Aggie

Don’t you hate word problems?

- Aggie

AMERICAN PRESIDENTS IN UNIFORM

I don’t like her old man, but I wouldn’t wish this even on him!

A Thai cookbook has won this year’s Diagram Prize for oddest book title of the year.

Cooking With Poo is written by Bangkok chef Saiyuud Diwong whose nickname is Poo – which is Thai for “crab”.

She runs a cookery school for locals and tourists in the city’s largest slum, alongside the charitable organisation that published the book.

…

“We knew the whole world loved Poo but now its official!,” said Anji Barker, a senior social worker at the charity Urban Neighbours of Hope.

Can you tell it’s Friday afternoon?

The other shorlisted titles were Estonian Sock Patterns All Around the World, The Mushroom in Christian Art, A Taxonomy of Office Chairs and A Century of Sand Dredging in the Bristol Channel: Volume Two.

…

Last year’s winner was former dentist Michael Young’s Managing a Dental Practice the Genghis Khan Way.

Genghis Khan dentistry—now, that I would wish on Obama!

PS: Oops! I missed a few!

Voted in second was Mr Andoh’s Pennine Diary: Memoirs of a Japanese Chicken Sexer in 1935 Hebden Bridge by Stephen Curry and Takayoshi Andoh.

While Scott D Mendelson’s The Great Singapore Penis Panic and the Future of American Mass Hysteria came in third.

Oh yes they did (via Jungle Trader):

In a face-palm moment for all parties concerned, organizers of a shooting tournament in Kuwait confused a parody from the notorious “Borat” movie for the anthem of Kazakhstan, local media said.

Organizers found the anthem online, but did not realize they had come upon a spoof, head coach of Kazakhstan’s team, Anvar Yunusmetov, told Tengrinews.kz on Friday.

A video available on YouTube shows the satirical song, extolling the virtues of Kazakh prostitutes and talking about “Jewtown” and the penis of the country’s leader, playing at an award ceremony. A female athlete, apparently award-winning Maria Dmitriyenko, can be seen confused and biting her lips, but not daring to intervene.

Organizers of the Sheikh Jaber Al-Abdallah Al-Jaber Annual Cup Championship also confused the Serbian anthem with another song, Yunusmetov said without elaborating.

A little sleuthing, and we found the footage:

And we found the lyrics to Borat’s anthem:

Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
All other countries are run by little girls.
Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
Other countries have inferior potassium.

Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool.
It’s length thirty meter and width six meter.
Filtration system a marvel to behold.
It remove 80 percent of human solid waste.

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
From Plains of Tarashek to Northern fence of Jewtown.
Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan.
They very nosey people with bone in their brain.

Kazakhstan industry best in world.
We invented toffee and trouser belt.
Kazakhstan’s prostitutes cleanest in the region.
Except of course for Turkmenistan’s.

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
From Plains of Tarashek to Norther fence of Jewtown.

Come grasp the mighty penis of our leader.
From junction with the testes to tip of its face!

PS: Sing along with Borat!

Part LXXIV:

Did you get the John Galliano joke?

Once in a blue moon, scientists discover a new element. This has happened again, and is, in many ways, the strangest, most fascinating element yet, a proud edition to the Periodic Table. This is the press report:

New element Governmentium: heaviest known and paradoxically increasing
New Element Discovered
The CSIRO announced the discovery of a perverse, perplexing atom

The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.

The release doesn’t name the scientist who made the discovery, but we in Bloodthirstan salute you!

- Aggie

I don’t speak a word of Hebrew, and I still laughed:

Not everyone is taking the Iranian nuclear threat seriously.

Days after Iran accused Israeli Mossad agents of assassinating another nuclear scientist in Tehran, an Israeli company posted a video commercial, spoofing a supposed Mossad operative in Iran.

The clip shows recognizable [to Israelis] TV stars of an Israeli show that is shown on HOT cable TV. The four are notified that someone is watching their show far off in Iran and, disguised as Muslim women, they set out to check it out. After mentioning that they have a problem finding Kosher food in Iran, the TV characters find a Mossad agent who is in Iran on undercover duty, in a cafe overlooking the Iranian nuclear plant.

The agent, who could be seen by some as resembling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, explains that he has a tablet with which he watches episodes of their show.

As one of the disguised Israelis holds on to the tablet and asks about one of the applications, he presses on it – it is understood that the tablet has operative capabilities – and the nuclear plant explodes in front of their eyes.

“What?”, says the Israeli who just caused a very significant explosion, “It’s just another mysterious explosion in Iran.”

This and Latma give me more hope for the future than all of Obama’s speeches loaded onto an iPod.

How cheesy can a nativity scene get? You don’t want to know.

My three favorites:

The obligatory dog nativity:

I recognize some of them from the poker painting.

The Who’s Hungry? nativity (definitely not kosher):

And the zombie nativity:

Here’s a bonus scene:

For unto us, a rampaging reptile is born, the living son of Godzilla. (Sorry, sort of, for the sacrilege. You can firebomb my house later.)

We’re a little late with this, but apparently more than one world leader has expressed his condolences on the passing of Kim Jong-Il:

And if you haven’t seen it yet:

You know how you’ve hit it big?

No, not when your videos have gone viral.

You know you’ve hit it big when you get your own Hitler-in-the-bunker parody: