Archive for Humor

Jeep-ers Creep-ers!

You know the old line:

So true:

A Palestinian terrorist died in clashes with the IDF near Ramallah Sunday morning, after his attack on an army jeep backfired quite spectacularly.

Abdallah Ghanayem, 21, died after being struck by the vehicle during clashes that erupted in the village of Kfar Malik following a dawn Israeli army raid, the Palestinian Authority sources said.

An IDF spokesman confirmed to AFP that a Palestinian had died – after he threw an incendiary device at a jeep and the vehicle overturned on him.

It was the second Palestinian terrorist killed in the past week, after a would-be bomber was shot as he was preparing to hurl an explosive device at soldiers in Jenin. The attacker was reportedly injured by IDF fire, and killed when the explosive he was holding subsequently detonated in his hands.

Not to worry. The “Palestinian” “Authority” will cut checks to the families first thing Monday morning. And there will be a Abdallah Ghanayem Park or Abdallah Ghanayem Sewage Treatment Facility in the near future.



I’ve been pumpnapped!

One of the more bombastic campaigners against Israel and Zionists in the UK has shown the extent to which he’s lost the plot. In an extraordinary Facebook post Asghar Bukhari claims the Mossad broke into his home and stole his shoe!

Bizzarely Bukhari has actually been invited onto media outlets such as Sky News to speak about Muslims in the UK or to rail against Israel. He runs an organisation which claims to fight for the rights of Muslims. In reality it serves as a platform for which Bukhari can make outlandish claims and generally make a fool of himself.

And be made a fool of by others:


Zionist Federation
Dear @AsgharBukhari, we might have gone a bit overboard with the shoe-snatching last night. Which one is yours?

I don’t want to stereotype, but Israelis are so smart, and (at least some) non-Israelis are so dumb!


How to Succeed in Justice Without Really Trying

Heh. Get it?

Win friends and influence people:

“F*ck this court and everything it stands for,” is Tamah Jada Clark’s fitting title for her April 20 filing with the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Georgia. Clark, who identifies herself as a “Floridian-American,” claims that her civil rights were violated five years ago when she was arrested for plotting to break the father of her baby out of prison. Her berserk rant was submitted to express her displeasure with the dismissal of her lawsuit.

Clark identifies with the “sovereign citizen” movement, a group of individuals who reject the authority of the U.S. federal government and its courts. Fittingly, her memo is full of what is, to say the least, a dismissive attitude towards Judge Willis Hunt and other agents of the government.

“You think because you sit up there in that little black robe hiding behind the ignorance of the masses like a little b*tch, that ANYBODY gives a d*mn about you or what you have to say?” Clark says. “Well, just in case you haven’t noticed-I couldn’t give two f*cks about you or what you have to say. F*ck you, old man. You’re a joke. Your court’s a joke. You take it up the a*s; and you suck nuts. Lol.”

I’m lol-ing right now. In fact, I’m rotflmfao.

At other times, Clark mocks Hunt as a “castrated coward” and his court as a “panic-stricken hoe that has stolen money from her back-handing pimp.”

Clark’s personal attacks and legal arguments often spin off into more abstract political commentary seeking to advance her sovereign citizen viewpoints.

“The federal government currently taxes the people exponentially more than the British King could have ever dreamed of doing,” she says. “And people’s human rights are being violated faster than you can say the phrase ‘Willis B. Hunt, Jr. is a b*tcha*s hoe.’”

Her tone could use some refinement, but is she wrong?

“Look here, old man, when I told you I AM Justice-I meant it,” says Clark. “It took me about I month to study the history of the world and to learn the history and inner workings of American jurisprudence, literally. I was born to do this here. Don’t you know that your FBI and CIA have been trying to recruit me since grade school? Lol. But they’re unscrupulous losers like you, so it won’t be happening.”

Their loss is our gain, lol.

She’s got her own website, I note. Nothing as entertaining as the court filing, but illuminating. And she trademarks random groups of words, That’s our game, Aggie!


PC College Students Have Wonderful Sense Of Humor

This is a joke, right?

There’s big trouble at Stevenson College in California. Students are accusing the school of racism and insensitivity after they were served Mexican food during a sci-fi theme night.

The students were specifically upset about the use of the word “aliens” – as in space aliens. They say combining refried beans with creatures from another world is racist – because apparently mistaking Chewbacca for an illegal jumping a border fence is a thing.

Instead of telling the offended students blow it out their burrito, the college ran for the border. The school’s Diversity & Inclusion office fired off this apology:

“We would never want to make a connection between individuals of Latino heritage or undocumented students and aliens and I am sorry that our College Night appeared to do exactly that.”

The college went on to say, “This incident demonstrated a cultural insensitivity on the part of the program planners.”

Oh, I guess it isn’t a joke. I thought it was a joke. Oh well. I’ll just practice the egg-shell walk, so as to avoid offending anyone, how ’bout you?

– Aggie


Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World

Found it!

During an Islamic protest against free speech put on by the Muslim Action Forum [MAF] in London Sunday afternoon, women were kept separately from men with barricades.

When I approached a British police officer to ask if I was allowed to enter the protest as a non-Muslim, which was barricaded off across the street from where I was standing near Parliament (I asked the question because I didn’t see any non-Muslims inside the barricades), he informed me that I could try but that it wasn’t a good idea. The implication was that I could be hurt or verbally abused. He also told me that if I attempted to enter, the male protestors would force me to the designated female section.

The stage was put in the middle of the protest and all-male speakers faced the Muslim men in the crowd while their backs were to the women. The speakers never turned around to address the corralled women behind them. An electronic sign placed behind the stage read, “Be careful with Muhammad,” and speakers called on the UK government to condemn and criminalize offensive speech against their prophet.

The protest was part of the MAF’s “Campaign for Civility.”

Ha! Good one, Muslims!

PS: Any response, feminists? Didn’t think so.


“Deflategate” Explained

On a lighter note (and what isn’t lighter than American treachery to a loyal ally—see below?)

You didn’t ask, but here’s my latest on the mass stupidity. Every September game in Miami and every December game in Green Bay has a built-in competitive disadvantage for the visiting team. That goes double for every road team, every game, in Denver. The fans (or the stadia) are louder in Kansas City and Seattle than anywhere else (and Indy, when they pipe in noise to “top up” the fans’ contributions): a huge advantage for the home team. Defensive-minded teams are not troubled by a chewed-up grass field, especially against a quick, finesse offense. All of these have a greater impact on a game than two PSI.

Even if the Patriots are guilty of your worst imaginings (and that’s more your problem than theirs), so the [bleep] what? Punish them because the rule says so, but anything greater than the listed $25k fine—and I’ll even allow $25k per ball for a total of $275,000 to $300,000—is moronic.

Now ou know.


Palate Cleanser


Pies Not Lies

If I could think of a good rhyme for “brownshirt”, I’d suggest it, but until then:

For years, Jewish and pro-Israel groups have been debating how best to combat the [BDS] movement, but according to British activist Simon Cobbs, the answer may be simpler than they might think: “By laughing at them.”

The topic of boycotts is, of course, a serious one – and the BDS Movement itself is no laughing matter, as Cobbs himself well knows. Like many other British Jews, he accuses BDS of stoking anti-Semitic sentiment through its “bullying tactics”, by singling out the Jewish state not just for criticism, but with calls to dismantle it completely.

He points to the links between groups individuals associated with BDS, and anti-Semitic groups spanning the far-left and far-right, including Islamist hate preachers. That atmosphere has spawned violence on many occasions…

So how have they done it?

The key, says Cobbs, is to always stay on the front foot, keep it simple, and avoid falling into the trap of being reactive – and a good dose of Jewish humor.

SFI’s first ever major campaign, for example, was titled “Bagels Against Bigotry,” and simply involved supporters turning up to share bagel sandwiches at the regular SFI rally. “It was so successful we ended up giving three carloads to the local homeless shelter.”

That was soon followed by “They Bring Hate, We Bring Cake,” and the group’s most successful event to date: “They Tell Lies, We Bring Pies,” (“It was the only thing which rhymed with lies!”)

“The best way of attracting people from the Jewish community is not through letters about why you should support Israel, but with food!” he quips.

“The topic is incredibly serious… but the way to combat that is to laugh at them… to ridicule them. Because they really are foolish.

“When you say to them ‘you say you support gay rights and women’s rights but you also support a regime that would outlaw homosexuality and sideline women…’ at that point they go quiet, because they are unable to answer the questions.

“That’s why we stand up to them week after week, because when you scratch the surface and stand up to these bullies and show them for what they are, the truth comes out.”

And, he chuckles with a sense of incredulity, “they do it to themselves… they keep giving me stuff that is video gold!”

If you don’t understand the duck call, SFI has taken to calling the BDS-ers “ducks”, as in if it walks like an antisemite and talks like an antisemite…

All it takes is one candle to illuminate a dark world.


Hints From Heloise

Ladies, don’t do this:

A 39-year-old Argentinean woman died after attempting to enhance the size of her breasts by injecting them with Vaseline, Medical Daily reported.

The Vaseline had entered Llanzon’s blood stream, causing blood clots that travelled to her lungs. Llanzon experienced a pulmonary embolism – a blockage of an artery in her lung – which resulted in her death.

“In all my medical career, I’ve never seen a case like this. The human body has antibodies to remove bacteria and viruses, but it hasn’t got any mechanisms against this type of product,” Julio Pla Cardenas, chief of surgery at Lucio Molas told La Capital.

And gentlemen, never, ever, EVER do this:

Pla Cardenas said he has noticed an increasing number of people using Vaseline injections as a form of body augmentation, including men who have injected the product in the hopes of enhancing penis size.

Fat lotta good (if you’ll pardon the expression) it’ll do you to have a member engorged with petroleum jelly. How to put this delicately—it’s not consistency we’re looking for.


Dave Barry on Manliness

I admit it. I love Dave Barry. I don’t know his politics, and I don’t care. What I love most about him is that he has accomplished that rarest of rarities: he has cashed in on being himself.

Square. White. Male. Funny. That combination is enough to get you brought up on a hate crime charge these days, but he’s made it work.

God bless him:

We live in ridiculously convenient times. Think about it: Whenever you need any kind of information, about anything, day or night, no matter where you are, you can just tap your finger on your smartphone and within seconds an answer will appear, as if by magic, on the screen. Granted, this answer will be wrong because it comes from the Internet, which is infested with teenagers, lunatics and Anthony Weiner. But it’s convenient.

Today everything is convenient. You cook your meals by pushing a microwave button. Your car shifts itself, and your GPS tells you where to go. If you go to a men’s public restroom, you don’t even have to flush the urinal! This tedious chore is a thing of the past because the urinal now has a small electronic “eye” connected to the Central Restroom Command Post, located deep underground somewhere near Omaha, Neb., where highly trained workers watch you on high-definition TV screens and make the flush decision for you. (“I say we push the button.” “Wait, not yet!”)

A while back, my daughter asked me to help her with her math homework, which involved doing long division without a calculator. There was a time, somewhere around 1963, when I definitely knew how to do long division; I figured this knowledge was still lying around in my brain somewhere. I mean, I can remember many other things from 1963. That was the year when the Beach Boys came out with their album Surfer Girl, and I can recall every word from every track on it, including an obscure and genuinely idiotic song called “Our Car Club,” which contains, among other lyrics, these:

We’ll get the roughest and the toughest initiation we can find
And if you want to try to get in we’ll really put you through the grind
‘Cause THIS club’s the VERY BEST!

I haven’t heard “Car Club” for decades, but I typed those lyrics without looking them up. My brain stashed them away in a safe place, in case I would need them someday in a lyrics-related emergency.

My brain did not, however, elect to save the instructions for doing long division. So when I tried to help my daughter, I was useless. I had a vague recollection that you start by dividing the littler number (or maybe just part of the littler number) into just the first part of the bigger number, then you multiply something and then you put the result down below. But I wasn’t sure where down below, exactly, you put the result, and I had no idea what you did with it after that. ‘Cause THIS club’s the VERY BEST!

I tried for several painful minutes to show my daughter how to do long division, at which point she gently told me I should go back to watching “Storage Wars” and she would figure out long division on her own. And she did. I don’t know where she got the information. Probably from the Internet. Possibly even from Anthony Weiner.

See? Where’s the effort in that? And I mean that as the highest compliment I can offer. He even quoted a forgettable Beach Boys song without effort. All he has to do is remain open and aware of the world around him, and collect the particular insanities of the day that amuse him: instant column.

I don’t read him often anymore, but he hasn’t lost his touch. Which is why I don’t read him often anymore. He has totally monetized being Dave Barry. The bastard!


Working 1 to 5

Thank you, Remy!



BTL is not advertising a course here. We just want you to feel better on a very cold morning. – Aggie


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