Archive for December, 2012

Tutu Tootsie Goodbye!

What’s Zulu (or Afrikaans, for that matter) for “shut the [bleep] up”?

Three Nobel Peace Prize laureates, including Archbishop Desmond Tutu, have contested the awarding of this year’s prize to the European Union, saying the 27-nation bloc contradicts the values associated with the prize because it relies on military force to ensure security.

In an open letter to the Nobel Foundation, Tutu of South Africa, Mairead Maguire of Northern Ireland and Adolfo Perez Esquivel from Argentina demanded that the prize money of 8 million kronor ($1.2 million) not be paid out this year.

The EU “clearly is not one of ‘the champions of peace’ Alfred Nobel had in mind” when he created the prize by including it in his will in 1895, they wrote in the letter, a copy of which was acquired by the AP on Friday. “We ask the board of the foundation to clarify that it cannot and will not pay the prize from its funds.”

They said the EU condones “security based on military force and waging wars rather than insisting on the need for an alternative approach.”

Do I recall Bishop Tutu denouncing the award to Yasser Arafat? I do not. To Barack Obama? Nope. To Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, Mohamed ElBaradei, Henry Kissinger, and Woodrow Wilson? Uh-uh, no way, you’re kidding, get real, as if.

Not that I think the EU is worthy, it’s just no less worthy than many of other recipients—see above, not least Tutu himself.

For while Tutu is justly lionized as a hero among South Africans for his brave stand against apartheid, he is or should be universally condemned and shunned for his libels, slanders, and calumnies against Israel.

Instead, he gets a million dollars:

A billionaire’s foundation announced Thursday [October 4] a one-off $1 million award to South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu for “his lifelong commitment to speaking truth to power.”

The foundation, which promotes good governance in the continent, was established by Sudan-born billionaire Mo Ibrahim.

Tutu is more deserving of an award from Idi Amin (the Golden Liver? the Pickled Finger of Fate?) than from Mo Ibrahim, but ah well, such is life. We knew there was good money in antisemitism, but not this good. Don’t spend it all in one place, Des.

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Someone’s Getting Hungry

Right on schedule: North Korea faces yet another famine (or just a worse famine than the usual), and prepares to fire off another rocket.

North Korea plans to launch a rocket carrying a satellite between December 10 and 22, a spokesman for the Korean Committee for Space Technology said Saturday, according to state-run media.

The Unha-3 rocket will launch from the Sohae Space Center in North Phyongan Province and put a “working satellite” into orbit, the report by the official Korean Central News Agency said.

The planned launch is unusual because it comes during the wintertime and only months after a failed attempt in April.

On that occasion, Pyongyang also said the rocket was supposed to put a satellite into orbit, but the launch was seen by many other countries as cover for a ballistic missile test and drew international condemnation.

South Korea’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade expressed “serious concern” Saturday over its neighbor’s planned launch, saying it was a “long-range missile test in the name of working satellite.”

If the North goes ahead with the launch as intended, “it will be faced with a strong response,” the ministry’s statement said.

“The launch is a severe provocation as it is ignoring the concern and warning from the international community and is a direct challenge to the international community as a whole,” it said.

The action is in violation of U.N Security Council Resolutions 1718 and 1874, under which North Korea is barred from testing ballistic missile technology, the statement said.

Oh, stop! I was with you until you started citing UN resolutions. Kim Jong Un wipes his ample behind with the damn things, which is about all they’re good for (and more absorbent than what most Norks have to use, I’m sure).

Oh, speaking of make-believe:

North Korea’s state-run news agency is reporting that the country’s archaeologists have confirmed the existence of a unicorn lair.

Not just any unicorn lair, mind you, but the ancient lair of Koguryo Kingdom founder King Tongmyong’s unicorn.

The Korean Central News Agency indicates that said unicorn lair was in Pyongyang City, 200 meters from Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill. The lair reportedly features a rock, carved with the words “Unicorn Lair” in front.

Maybe the rocket is so they can be the first country to send a unicorn into space. Take that, you Yankee, running-dog, lickspittle, “extra-large bloodsucker” (courtesy North Korean Insult Generator) imperialist lackey!

Oh, speaking of real-life unicorns:

A record number of African rhinos were illegally killed in South Africa this year, driven by the use of their horns in Chinese medicine and a spreading belief in Southeast Asia, unfounded in science, that they may cure cancer.

The street value of rhinoceros horns has soared to about $65,000 a kilogramme, making it more expensive than gold.

South Africa, home to more than 20,000 rhinos, or about 90 percent of all the rhinos in Africa, lost 455 rhinos to poachers, as of Tuesday, to eclipse the 448 killed in all of 2011, the environment ministry said in a statement.

Around 15 animals a year were lost a decade ago, showing the impact of rising demand from Asia.

Since the election, I’ve been trying very, very hard not to care about anything. Alcohol helps, but sometimes an unpleasant fact penetrates my inebriated haze. North Korea can starve to death if it so chooses; China can smuggle and counterfeit to its heart’s content; South Africa can flush its riches, financial and natural, down the pooper—I DON’T CARE.

But do we have to take down such noble beasts in our degraded and debased demand for… whatever it is humanity is pursuing? At the very least, can we ship some freshly butchered rhino meat to the starving Koreans? I bet barbecued rhinoceros short ribs are something even Un hasn’t tried, and he’s tried everything, from the looks of him.

I know I can’t repair the world, but if I can just apply a little duct tape or gorilla glue before having another double scotch for breakfast, I will have done my small part.

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Where ROTC Goes, BDSM Soon Follows

It’s a Harvard thing; we wouldn’t understand:

Call it Fifty Shades of Crimson, if you will.

The august flagship of the Ivy League, Harvard University, approved Friday a student group devoted to kinky sex called Harvard College Munch, a university spokesman said.

The group promotes “a positive and accurate understanding of alternative sexualities and kink on campus, as well as to create a space where college-age adults may reach out to their peers and feel accepted in their own sexuality,” according to the school website.

The 30-student club acknowledges that kink is often associated with BDSM — bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism — but the group doesn’t seek to define “kink” and accepts “students with any kinky interest,” the club’s constitution says.

They have a constitution? What do they call its preamble, foreplay?

All I know is that if one of these pervs tries to “reach out” to me next time I cross Harvard (barn) Yard, he (and maybe even she, if one can tell the difference) will get a punch in the nose. Which should fit right in with their constitution, come to think of it.

By the way, doesn’t the reporter seem more than adequately informed about the whole subject? Hmm.

But one mustn’t judge. It’s none of my business what goes on behind the doors of the unfortunately named Pennypacker Hall. Besides, if the 30 students of Harvard College Munch (it’s nice, but probably not necessary to have an even number) are anything like their Occupy Harvard cousins, they’re all bodice and no whip.

The group doesn’t tolerate traumatic abuse or assault, however, and has formed a safety team to direct victims toward help, another group member told the paper.

See what I mean? The pitched tents that littered the Yard last year were empty more often than not. When Elizabeth Warren claimed to be the “intellectual foundation” of the Occupy movement—empty, juvenile, and narcissistic as it was—she wasn’t lying. First time, I guess.

PS: It’s true about ROTC. After a 40-year ban, ROTC returned to Harvard only two-plus months before BDSM was officially recognized on campus. While the cadets are out on a five-mile run at dawn… [shudder] well, I don’t really want to think about what (or whom or how) the Munchies are doing at that hour.

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