What’s Wrong With This Picture

First, let me apologize for the light postings. BTL is out of town, and I had a family situation pop up. We’ll be back to speed soon.

This guy left himself wide open

There are so many snide, awful things we can say about this article that I’ve decided to leave the low-hanging fruit to you. Enjoy!

First, enjoy this column! We Americans have the greatest news care system in the world, and we in journalism are proud of the cutting-edge punditry that we provide.

Columnists in other countries simply scribble illegibly in notebooks, but here in the United States we administer CAT scans to interviewees, just to rule out the chance that our subject is dead. Expensive, yes — but we Americans must never settle for second-best.

But wait! Before you read this column, please fill out this 18-page questionnaire. And good news — if you already filled it out previously, then you only have to fill out seven additional pages. I pride myself on my efficiency.

No, no, you’re mixing up the forms. Those are the ones for Maureen Dowd’s column; you’ll find David Brooks’s forms on the right and Paul Krugman’s on the left. You must file separate paperwork to read each columnist.

Good, good. All righty then: now the co-pay, please.

Oh, it doesn’t matter that you already submitted your co-pay for another columnist. We all work independently and, as you may have noticed, sometimes at cross-purposes.

By the way, columns such as this one about health care reform are out-of-network. Your insurance plan fully covers columns about many important topics, such as nephrology and Gregorian chant. But politics, health care, international affairs and anything that I might actually write about are all out-of-network.

So I’ll be billing you soon. I’ll tell you how much after you’ve read the column. Don’t worry: the invoice will clearly lay out cost codes, footnoted in cuneiform.

Typically, out-of-network benefits will provide substantial reimbursement for nouns, especially subjects. Unfortunately, you’re on your own with predicates. In particular, insurers stipulate that adjectives and adverbs are cosmetic and at your own expense.

A side note: Those with pre-existing conditions that may lead to excessive consumption of news may be excluded from coverage. An example of a pre-existing condition is literacy.

Phew! What a jerk! This column is so awful, so arrogant, and so stupid that I have to stop now, because I’m violating the “if you can’t say something nice..” rule. But you didn’t have my mother, so have at it!

– Aggie


  1. Buck O'Fama said,

    February 21, 2010 @ 6:26 pm

    How much will it cost me if I want to read about the meltdown of the climate-change scam? Ugh, that stuff is not available in this country so I’ll have to fly to some other country and read their newspaper columns to get that information. Sort of like how folks in countries where they have nationalized health insurance have to fly to the US in order to get an operation immediately instead of waiting 6 months for it at home, eh?

  2. Earl said,

    February 21, 2010 @ 11:01 pm

    Well, B o’F got there ahead of me – although with a different twist. I saw this:

    “here in the United States we administer CAT scans to interviewees”

    and my first thought was “Unless they’re pushing something we really REALLY approve of, like global warming, or taxing the rich, or forcing everyone into a government healthcare mess”.

    What a maroon!

  3. Carol said,

    February 22, 2010 @ 8:52 am

    Mr. Kristof really needs to stick to his forte: columns on human trafficking. This is just sad.

    And that brings to mind the eternal question: why on earth can’t liberals be funny? The Seattle Post Intelligencer is now mostly blogs, and they’re just dreadful, especially the ones from people who claim to be humorists (I think that means they are Garrison Keillor-wannabes) or comedians. Really, you should read them: when they try to be funny or clever, it’s wince-making. What’s even sadder is, they are called

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